Jennifer F. Knight with illustration by Roldo

"Danger is a biologic necessity, like dreams." - William Burroughs

Dabbing is a stupid and dangerous sort of fun, too much fun, and I don't suggest it to anyone. But if you're going to try it, try it naked, and be aware of the following:

The Inevitable Drip

Whether you're a low-heat dabber or a full-throttle stoner, the inevitable drip is a thing to be feared, naked or not. This dipshit move becomes a particularly harsh punishment when applied directly to the bare skin. I mean, some of those dab nails can reach temperatures over 1000 degrees Fahrenheit by way of blow torch for Christ's sake!

Imagine, if you will, how ridiculously hot your dab gets before it travels inward as an intoxicating mist or (enter the danger) downward as an immediate, screaming reminder to your delicate inner thigh that pain is real…

My advice is this: find a way to master the drip-free dab that doesn't cause pain. On second thought, that's dumb advice and probably not possible so I'll take it back. Practice makes perfect and chicks dig scars, right? You may need to recruit a spotter to help you dab until your tolerance builds up and your basic motor skills return... and those elusive little bastards will return, eventually.

The good news is this: once the pain is gone and the stain fades away, you will most likely never get skin cancer in that particular spot.

Throwing Up & Throwing Down

I'm not sure if people sometimes vomit after a giant dab because of a misstep with the temperature of the nail or I guess it could be the quality of the product, or maybe the cleanliness of the piece, who knows. I know you will never catch me dabbing reclaim, because I don't like throwing up. Well, I guess that's not true. I do like throwing up after a fistful of magic mushrooms, but I digress. The point is, sometimes dabbing will trigger the puke reflex; and sometimes it won't.

I don't usually like throwing up, but I do hold a certain fondness for throwing down. And like the drip, throwing down is inevitable if I'm dabbing naked, especially if my new spotter is looking at me like my body is some sort of divinely forbidden pleasure trip…

My advice is this: stock new toothbrushes and mouthwash in your bathroom. The throwing up will normally delay the throwing down for about an hour, but don't worry. Brush twice, gargle once, don't forget to check for your beautiful face for splatter, smile at your sexy stoner mug in the mirror, and move on.

The good news is this: if the offending rip was outrageous enough to cause vomit, then you are going to feel like a fucking ninja after you're done puking, but only if you can emerge from the bathroom in an upright position.

Good luck! And don't forget the candles and mood music. Oh, and this is important: if your cell phone rings audibly while you're dabbing naked, whether you answer it or not, you're an asshole.

In Truth...

"Your noble narrator is a fraud. I've never dabbed naked, not alone and never with a spotter. Sounds like a possibly good time though. As long as you're a sovereign human being in a private setting within the borders of an open-minded municipality belonging to a legalized state, I mean."

Jennifer Knight

DAB - highly concentrated blob of hash oil extracted from the cannabis plant by way of butane, propane, heptane, or carbon dioxide and then measured out for sale, usually by the gram. Dabbing is one of those excitable verbs that makes a noun of itself - powerful stuff.